!CRAPPY TIME!

So...I'm having a pretty crappy time in my life right now. I'm at this point in my life where I just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing I do is ever right and it doesn't bring me true happiness. I feel like crap about myself ALL the time & no one really makes me feel better about myself.

The one thing I want out of life is a husband! I feel like if I have someone who is with me all the time & someone who loves me for me will make me feel complete. I keep searching & searching for things that will make me happy, but honestly nothing is making me feel fulfilled. I just want to feel like my life is full & happy, but it just isn't. I want a man to come home to & for him to hold me & tell me it's going to be alright during the tough times. I need someone to love me & help me with my personal struggles. I know it would take a really special man to help me with my issues, but I know those kind of men are out there...I've seen it. I also want a man that will let me spoil him & love on him. I crave the affection! It's just about going to kill me. It seems like I am the only one who doesn't have "the one!" ALL of my friends are married or have a boyfriend...not me. I feel so alone all the time & no one really understands what I go through.

I feel like my friends are avoiding me & ignoring me...life pretty much sucks right now. I just want to feel needed & no one seems to need me...

!!!MY BIRTHDAY WEEK!!!

Well…my Birthday started & ended GREAT!!! Best Birthday EVER!!! I always take a week to celebrate my birthday! Why only limit it to one day, right?!? Especially when you can milk it for all it’s worth! LOL!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I woke up on this day knowing that I was going to have a FABULOUS Birthday week! First of all, I knew that I was going to get to eat at 6 Feet Under today & spend that time w/ my wonderful co-workers. I had an awesome day at work and then it was home to get ready for church.

I didn’t even know that I had a surprise part waiting on me after service until Preacher EMBARRASSED ME TO DEATH! We had a quartet at our church that night from Jack Trieber’s church/school (Golden State College). When I first got to church, Bridgette & I traded off birthday cards (only to find out that we got each other the exact same one! LOL!) & Hannah came in and gave me a card also! I got 2 cards from Bridgette (one from last year & one for this year). They were both Hoops & Yo Yo cards, which are absolutely hilarious! And Hannah gave me an Edward (Twilight) card, which was SUPER HOT!!! I love me some Edward!
Then after the preachers were done preaching, Preacher announces that there is a surprise cake/party for me in the “fellowship” hall & then says that they had the quartet there that night just for me!!! HOW EMBARRASSING!!! He made them go in there with me & then Nealey gave me a card too & I got a really pretty purse from Bridgette!
After we left church we went out to eat at Denny’s w/ some of the church & the quartet. Before we left, Preacher made the guys take a picture w/ me (SUPER EMBARRASSING!) & I made them sing happy birthday to me! LOL! GREAT DAY!!!

Thursday, July 15, 2010
After work I got to go out to eat w/ Mom at Red Lobster for my birthday & then we went to the bookstore (one of my favorite places now) “Books-A-Million.” Bought me some more books & established that I have SO MANY books now, I need a new bookcase. Didn’t get one yet, but I did yesterday! MUCH NEEDED! Great day & Good food!

Friday, July 16, 2010
After work, I hurried home to get ready to go out w/ my besties! We were originally going to go to Hard Rock Cafe until we found out it was a bar/lounge at night, so we went to Cheesecake Factory instead!!! YUMMY! We had such an AWESOME time that night!!! After that we drove around DOWNTOWN! We were going to go to Centennial Park, but they were having some kind of History Arts festival & it didn’t look like we should stop & take pictures! So we just cruised around looking for trouble & then we decided to go to downtown Hampton & take pictures there. Then we got home late! But, it was such an AWESOME night.

Saturday, July 17, 2010
Got up SUPER early to go to Tybee Island for the day w/ Mom, Emily & Jerry!!! We had such an awesome time! We were all SO tired though!!! The waves were SO rough in the morning, we couldn’t really do much, but then we went to lunch. We wanted to go to Fannies on the Beach, but we couldn’t find a parking spot, so we ended up driving to a place called McElwaney’s (never go here) & a the hostess was SUPER rude, so we left & went to Café De Loco (never eat here!!!). They had nice people working there, but not the most cleanest restaurant. I ended up getting SO sick right before we left the beach (I was puking in the parking lot)! I think it was the mixture of the food, waves, heat, & having SO much fun in the ocean after lunch that made me so sick. Plus, I was exhausted! We left the area around 7pm. We found an awesome Walmart that didn’t give me a panic attack! It didn’t have a grocery store, Thank the Lord. We made it home around 10:30pm. Mom had to drive for the last hour & a half, b/c I was falling asleep at the wheel. I had to sleep walk my way into the house! LOL! Mom thought there were turtle crossings in Tybee??? She’s weird! LOL!

Sunday, July 18, 2010
My brother cooked me an AWESOME birthday lunch: Cube Steak, Mashed Potatoes, Baked Beans, Tea Biscuits, Deviled Eggs, Sweet Tea & I think there was something else, but I can’t remember it. But it tasted GREAT!!! I was really tired this day, even though I went to sleep almost as soon as I got home the night before!

Monday, July 19, 2010
Found some really awesome British/London stuff @ Target & a bookcase & a couple of chairs & a floor lamp! Made me happy!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Last day of Birthday week!!! Thank you EVERYONE who had a part in it! I especially want Bridgette to know that I appreciate her giving me a surprise party after church! That was probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. I also want to thank my Emmy & MOM for just being w/ me & talking to me this week! Hannah & Michelle for going out w/ me on Friday night & having a blast!!! Thank you all for my presents!!! I did forget to mention that Emmy gave me 2 Robert Pattinson keychains a few weeks ago for my birthday!!! They are awesome!

I love you all & thank you for an AWESOME birthday!!!

!!!FROM DEPRESSED TO INSPIRED!!!

I have been extremely negative lately about EVERYTHING!!! This is the worst quality that I have. There are so many times in life that I just can't see good in anything, but that is when I am at my lowest & think EXTREMELY badly about myself. I take it out on everything else. I hate hate hate this about myself. I was recently told by someone that I am not pleasant to be around & it really really hurt me. I know some people think that about me anyway, but to actually tell someone that to their face isn't very nice. I guess it kind of helped me to realize that I need to change NOW!!! And not wait & wait on it. I'm ready to finally try to like myself for who I am, but I need to figure out who I am. I want to do things b/c I WANT to do them & not feel like I have to do them. I need a clean slate! Start over time :) This isn't going to be easy, but it's time. Please pray for me that I will get over this depression I am in. It is very difficult to be me, but I need to embrace who I am and just be me. I have a couple of friends that I confide in and whom help me a lot, more than I think they know. I was talking to one of them the other night & she shared w/ me a verse that helps her:
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
She also told me that when I get down & think badly about things in my life that I should try to think of the good things that I have in my life, my friends & family who I know love me. For some STUPID reason, this has never occured to me before. I think that piece of advice helped me more than anything lately. Even though I don't know if there are a lot of people who love me; I DO KNOW that there are a few and I have been given so many blessings in my life that I just don't think about & that I take for granted...I'm not posting this to make you feel sorry for me or to pity me or baby me. Someone else may be going through the same thing as me and it may help you. The way she gave me the advice was subtle & not rude & she was very much being a good friend...she said in a way that it was on her & not me and I very much appreciate that. Another one of my friends is just such an awesome person & has such a great spirit and attitude & for SOME STRANGE REASON she is still my friend, even though I get down so much & just get depressed, she is always there for me & loves me anyway. I love her very much, we have been through so much together in our Christian lives. My friends are great. Also, my cousin, is one of the most amazing, supportive people in my life. She loves me more than I deserve from anyone & I love her very much! God blessed me with the best mother in the world! I don't know who I would be had God not given her to me...I just hope I can be more like her as I grow into the person I am & want to be. My Pastor & his family are the best Christians I have ever known & all of them have been huge influences to me in my life :) And God has given me the best job in the world w/ the best boss in the world! I am very blessed & I need to realize it more often...Maybe I will make me a notebook filled w/ the blessings God has given me & done for me just to remind me that I truly am blessed :)
I was talking to my friend today & dreaming a little :) but it was great!!! I am totally inspired to do something with my life that NO ONE else has ever done! God has given me a vision...I'm not too clear on what it all is or how it will happen, but I definitely have something in my heart & mind :D
I hope this helps someone...

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

Okay, today, I am irked!!! I have to take this medicine for my epilepsy that makes me even more irritable than my normal irritability :/ As if that isn't bad enough, it's Father's Day weekend. This is a difficult weekend b/c I don't really like to go through this weekend. My Dad passed away a little over 7 years ago & I miss him SO much. I don't know how to celebrate this weekend anymore, but I can tell you all: NEVER take your Dads for granted, if you still have him. I miss my Daddy SO SO SO MUCH!!! It's hard to live w/out your Daddy in a lot of certain situations.

I really wish that I had a better outlook on my life. I wish I could change myself. Sometimes I really really really DON'T like the person I am. I was telling someone the other day that I really don't know how to be happy or joyful & stay that way. I try so so hard, but I always end up back to where I am at now. I really need your prayers right now. I am having a hard time mentally. Sorry if you read this & thought "Man! She is really negative!" I am sorry...I wish I wasn't. It's not fun...

MY STUFF!!!

So...as most of you know I am mad! A certain guy in my life has totally messed me up! And he doesn't even know it! YET!!! I have OCD really bad about some things & he flared it up...BAD!!! I know that this post is going to make me sound selfish & stupid, but it is honest & what actually goes on in my brain :/

Just so you know the story & what is going on...My mother bought me "Sherlock Holmes" for an Easter gift. Well...I haven't had time to watch it since Easter b/c my life has been REALLY REALLY busy!!! Well...someone asked me if they could watch it & I SPECIFICALLY told them "YOU CANNOT WATCH IT UNTIL I DO!" I said it nicely, but since I'm mad I wanted it to sound like I was mad! But I think this makes sense. It was given to me as a gift, I should get to enjoy before anyone else does! RIGHT?!? I think so :) But did I? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He went into my room, sometime within the last week, & took my movie and opened it up & watched it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm mad! That is one of the most inconsiderate things EVER!!! It was MY gift! NOT HIS!!! Sorry, but I'm MAD! He thinks he can just do whatever he wants, but NOPE! PAYBACK STINKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will make sure that he knows it was me too :)

OCD: NOT FUN! I do not like it when people want my stuff or touch my stuff without my permission. When they do, I don't want it anymore. I just want to take care of my things & not have anyone bother it or me about it. I am OC about my movies & clothes. There are many other little things that I am OC about, but I won't go into it, b/c it will seem like I am literally crazy!

Bottom Line: HE WAS WRONG, AND I AM JUSTIFIED BEING MAD & WANTING PAYBACK!!! :) THANKS!

Bitterness, Loneliness, Patience & HOPE!!!

Well, it's been about a week since I put out a new blog, so I figured it was time again. I want to tell you a few things that are on my mind...Tax time, Bitterness, Loneliness, & Patience.

Tax time: My estimated taxes are due Tomorrow & I have no idea how to figure it out!!! I have Revival meeting tonight so I don't have time to do it. My life has been sooooo crazy lately! No time for anything. I am freaking out about the taxes. I really don't know what I'm gonna do.

Bitterness: The Bible says in Ephesians 4:31-32: Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
I have had a tough time with bitterness in my life :( The Lord has convicted my heart over & over so many times about having this in my life. I also have a hard time with evil speaking, be honest, who doesn't? Monday night of revival, the Lord SO got a hold of my heart about being bitter & cold. I pray that with God's help, this mess will be out of my life quickly!

Loneliness: It's hard being alone. This has been weighing my spirit down so much lately. I want to live right & please the Lord, but I'm ready to do that with the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I get very impatient sometimes, but I am 28 years old & I feel like I should have already reached that point in my life. All the people my age are married & have kids. I feel sometimes as if I will never grow up :( It gets annoying sometimes, but what else am I gonna do? A friend of mine told me to get a hobby to keep myself busy. I don't know what I like to do?!? I love to shop, but that cost too much money! LOL! I really hope the Lord helps me to get content in whatever I am going through so that He will send me that person :) I hope it is soon!

Patience: Hebrews 10:36 For ye have need of PATIENCE, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise. James 1:3-4 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh PATIENCE. But let PATIENCE have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.
I struggle with this the most! I hope God will instill this virtue in my life, b/c God only knows that I have waited on a lot of things for a long time, but just when I should be getting used to it/content, I get impatient instead. Maybe I should get a hobby. Things might be a little easier for me.

Hope:
Psalm 37:4 Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the DESIRES of thine heart.
Philippians 4:11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be CONTENT.
Hebrews 13:5 Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be CONTENT with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

Thank you Lord for your promises! Pray for me...

MTBC Teen Camp Meeting

YAY! YAY! YAY! It is time for MTBC Teen CampMeeting!!! I know that I'm not a teen anymore, by a long shot, but I love this camp meeting! The Lord always gets a hold of my heart whenever we go! I get to go up on Thursday this year with Ms. Melissa & Bridgette! I am excited about the road trip with them. I think it'll be a lot better for me than the vans full of people! lol! I think I have only missed one year of this camp meeting since they started it. It has changed my life visiting that church and seeing how the young people worship the Lord there. It's almost like another world :)