I have been extremely negative lately about EVERYTHING!!! This is the worst quality that I have. There are so many times in life that I just can't see good in anything, but that is when I am at my lowest & think EXTREMELY badly about myself. I take it out on everything else. I hate hate hate this about myself. I was recently told by someone that I am not pleasant to be around & it really really hurt me. I know some people think that about me anyway, but to actually tell someone that to their face isn't very nice. I guess it kind of helped me to realize that I need to change NOW!!! And not wait & wait on it. I'm ready to finally try to like myself for who I am, but I need to figure out who I am. I want to do things b/c I WANT to do them & not feel like I have to do them. I need a clean slate! Start over time :) This isn't going to be easy, but it's time. Please pray for me that I will get over this depression I am in. It is very difficult to be me, but I need to embrace who I am and just be me. I have a couple of friends that I confide in and whom help me a lot, more than I think they know. I was talking to one of them the other night & she shared w/ me a verse that helps her:
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
She also told me that when I get down & think badly about things in my life that I should try to think of the good things that I have in my life, my friends & family who I know love me. For some STUPID reason, this has never occured to me before. I think that piece of advice helped me more than anything lately. Even though I don't know if there are a lot of people who love me; I DO KNOW that there are a few and I have been given so many blessings in my life that I just don't think about & that I take for granted...I'm not posting this to make you feel sorry for me or to pity me or baby me. Someone else may be going through the same thing as me and it may help you. The way she gave me the advice was subtle & not rude & she was very much being a good friend...she said in a way that it was on her & not me and I very much appreciate that. Another one of my friends is just such an awesome person & has such a great spirit and attitude & for SOME STRANGE REASON she is still my friend, even though I get down so much & just get depressed, she is always there for me & loves me anyway. I love her very much, we have been through so much together in our Christian lives. My friends are great. Also, my cousin, is one of the most amazing, supportive people in my life. She loves me more than I deserve from anyone & I love her very much! God blessed me with the best mother in the world! I don't know who I would be had God not given her to me...I just hope I can be more like her as I grow into the person I am & want to be. My Pastor & his family are the best Christians I have ever known & all of them have been huge influences to me in my life :) And God has given me the best job in the world w/ the best boss in the world! I am very blessed & I need to realize it more often...Maybe I will make me a notebook filled w/ the blessings God has given me & done for me just to remind me that I truly am blessed :)
I was talking to my friend today & dreaming a little :) but it was great!!! I am totally inspired to do something with my life that NO ONE else has ever done! God has given me a vision...I'm not too clear on what it all is or how it will happen, but I definitely have something in my heart & mind :D
I hope this helps someone...
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